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Sunday, May 27, 2001 What do families and trains have in common?By DRS. PAM AND JOHN PATRICK Five year old Ricky announces at his birthday party, "Mom, I don't EVER want to grow up!" Mom says, "Honey, everyone has to grow up and you will, too." What was Ricky telling his mother? Quite a lot as it turns out. He wanted to stay the same, in that moment, feeling that happy. He isn't yet able to think very far into the future and is blessed with a live-in-the-moment ability that we adults typically ignore and shove aside while living busy lives. When it comes to families, nothing ever stays the same. For family life, change is normal. It's to be expected, planned for when we can pause amidst the frenetic pace of daily living, and actually can be enjoyable so long as we expect it. From the moment that a new family unit is formed, change is taking place. From two people living separately, there is now a couple. Whether it's a single parent with a new baby, or a newly wed couple, the need to adjust to the needs of two or more people expands thinking and creates feelings never before imagined. Families are where we learn who we are, who we want to be or don't want to be. We do this through change. From the moment of conception to our last breaths, we are connected to family and are changing in a continuous process of shared unfolding from one experience to the next. Children are models of change. We witness momentous change when baby first flips from side to back to belly, startling herself with a sudden change in world view. As crawling and creeping skills become finely tuned, the baby's world changes again. It expands and sends parents scurrying to baby-proof every nook and cranny of ground zero and beyond. Change occurs again as baby shifts gears from unique crawling, scooting and cruising mode into toddling, walking and talking. With these skills, the world of mobility and communication is now open for business. As children grow and change, parents, also change. Time for adults is often minimized as attention is diverted to care of the youngest family members. This redistribution of energy and attention resources is to be expected and is not a sign that the couple's life, or the individual's, is gone forever! Knowing that this change will occur, and understanding that with change comes anxiety and loss, helps new parents weather this period of adjustment. For just a minute, imagine parallel sets of railroad tracks connected in such a fashion that trains on each track run simultaneously in the same direction (the "Life Line"). All the trains run side by side, down the tracks on a journey called "Family Life." Now imagine that on one track your children each have a train car and all the cars are linked together. On another track are cars for you and your spouse, also linked. The third track, for the purposes of this illustration, has cars for each of your parents, the grandparents. Now all the trains have engine cars-the "Developmental Driver" that pulls each train along their respective tracks. Got the picture? Each train has left the station; it did so at the moment of birth. The engines of human development pull each train along the tracks making sure that the continuing, dynamic process of growing up, maturing, and aging keeps pace with each person's time in the life cycle. The "Life Line" Railroad System represents each family's path through life. Each person develops and as a consequence, changes on a daily basis. Whether it's at a cellular level or seen with noticeable aging changes, humans are programmed to change. It makes sense that families, made up of an assortment of very different, unique human beings, also change as this journey down the tracks clickity-clacks along. What does all this have to do with me, you may ask. We must learn, and re-learn if necessary, that while our children grow up and eventually leave home, we have also been changing and growing as adults. We might not be aware of how we've changed, but it has occurred. During times when the family tension level seems to skyrocket (adolescence comes to mind), what we most react to are the changes the teenager presents. These changes generate anxiety that at times gets translated into frustration, anger, and confusion for all concerned. Each change in the family's balance between the generations brings such periods of heightened tension levels. This is normal. Perhaps if families accept that change in each person, at every stage of the family's life, is a natural, to-be-expected occurrence, we can each make necessary adjustments with less irritation and upset. Traveling life's path with more understanding, realistic expectations, and acceptance of the inevitability of change can make the "Life Line" rail journey an adventure that teaches and promotes each family member's growth. All aboard! |
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