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Parenting trends change with the times

By MARIE S. GOODRICH | News-Journal Correspondent

DAYTONA BEACH — In years past, many people considered the saying, "Children should be seen, but not heard," a reasonable statement. Other folks referred to the Biblical quote, "Spare the rod and spoil the child," as justification for corporal punishment.

These days, most family therapists encourage parents to listen to their children and suggest spanking should be avoided or used only as a last resort.

Evelyn Peterson, a family/parenting consultant who writes a nationally syndicated parenting column, urges her readers to, "Stop spanking and start using sensible, positive discipline methods that include clear communication, praise, problem solving and contracting."

Dr. Benjamin Spock's landmark book, "Baby and Child Care," was first published in 1946 and influenced generations of American parents. A revised edition still is in print (in hardback from Dutton, Plome and in paperback from PocketBooks)

"Trust yourself," Dr. Spock advised. "You know more than you think you do.

He also emphasized the individuality of every child and said the methods that work with one might not work for another.

"Respect children because they're human beings and they deserve respect. They will grow up to be better people."

Critics, however, accused Spock of being "the father of permissiveness."

So what is the current direction in parenting?

"One of the nicest trends I see today is that fathers are so much more involved than they were a few generations ago," marriage and family therapist Joan Harris said recently from her New Smyrna Beach office. "Dads now take children to pediatric appointments and go to PTA meetings. Today, there are even diaper changing facilities in men's restrooms. In many ways, I see today's fathers in very strong parenting roles."

Although problems are likely to occur whether one is dealing with children entering the "terrible 2s" or "troubled teen" years, most experts seem to agree a combination of love and common sense is the best way to instill discipline and teach youngsters the difference between acceptable and unacceptable behavior.

Dr. Kathleen McCoy of the National Parenting Center cites several parent-tested guidelines in dealing with strong-willed teens. She advises parents to give clear messages about household rules and limitations, letting their children know what behavior is admissible and what isn't.

McCoy also recommends parents remain consistent and united by agreeing on the rules beforehand and sticking together.

Today, a great deal of parenting advice can be found on the Internet. One source (http://www.askdrsears) includes these suggestions: Children need boundaries, so set limits for them and provide structure. Establish rules but, at the same time, create conditions that make the rules easier to follow.

Another Web site posting says, "The three most useful words in discipline are 'Know your child.' Parents also should be familiar with appropriate behavior for various ages. They need to learn how to talk to a child while also learning how to listen."

Other goals in today's parenting include nurturing the child's self-confidence and helping him or her to have a positive self-image. Parents also should strive to help their children develop responsibility and a conscience, while teaching them to be sensitive toward the needs and rights of others and to respect authority.

Of course, a long-term goal is instilling self-discipline in your child. McCoy terms it "a life-long gift of love that will help your child to achieve, get along with others and grow in his capacity to have mature and intimate relationships."

In their book, "The Successful Child: What Parents Can Do to Help Kids Turn Out Well" (Little Brown & Co.), pediatrician Dr. William Sears and his wife, Martha, a nurse, write: "In an ideal world, every child would get everything needed for success in adulthood. In the real world, good parents try to do the best they can at each new stage that comes along. Children don't need perfect parents, just parents who are good enough."

HICI Special Report — Spanking Children: Productive or Destructive?

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